So after the past few weeks of shite that's been floating around on Facebook I've tried to stay out of it. But I can't, not anymore. Finchie needs to speak.
MY OPEN LETTER TO ISIS
What's the craic lads! I don't think we have officially met. Finchie here from Ireland, we are that non-aggravating, laid back post-English island to the West of the bullshit.
So how's yourself? Been busy I hope.
I see from the shallow media outlets and the "copy & paste" fear posting on social media that ye have been up to your neck in it the past few months. Good for you!
Sorry to be bothering ye boys while ye are busy planning the world's biggest burning man festival in the name of Alan (or what ever he's called) but something has come to our attention in the past few days that we need to have a quick "chat" about.
What's this I hear about ye adding us to a list of countries called "The Global Coalition" in some mad 80's themed propaganda video? Ah lads come on will ya, shtep down from the 3 legged horse now for a second and rewind the cassette cuz I think ye got it wrong.
First of all, lads we're only here for the craic! We have been through too much shite-hawking over the past couple of thousand years to be goin all "rouge and shit" and joining in fights we clearly don't want to be part of.
It's like when a fisht fight breaks out in primary school between Vince and Iano Kelly. Most of us just watch, shout a bit and kick a bin to make noise or whatever, but we don't bother getting involved (well Vince is English so any sly opportunity for a shneaky kick to the shins and we're all over it) we couldn't be arsed with the whole thing, we're simply too laid back.
Now keeping that in mind let me let you in on a few tips if you do decide to come over here and piss in our cornflakes. Don't judge us on the actions of the lads across the pond. We don't like that craic. I get that ye have yer fight an all, but don't drag us into it, we don't give a left bollock for Alan and what he tells ye to do. Sharon's law (or whatever it is) won't work here. I know a Sharon, and she's a cunt. We don't like her either.
Don't bomb our shit. We just finished building it back after breaking free from the very enemy you also have on your hit list (if you want tho you can destroy Leitrim, absolute shitehole lads I'm not joking).
We have more than one army. One official army actually went training in north Cork recently to prepare for your arrival. And yes north Cork is exactly like Damascus, especially Fermoy on a Friday night.
We also have a few non-official, highly secretive, multi-talented armies all with the same name (you get used to it after a while) who hate each other but have one very important thing in common ... all mad bastards. Let that sink in.
By the way the unofficial armies are all trained in guerrilla warfare. Meaning you're fucked. Like actually fucked. Unless you want to buy weapons, then some of them will turn a blind eye to "the cause" and sell ya a few AKs while you visit.
Don't even think about blowing up Leo Burdocks!!!
Consider this your harshest warning! If any single pub is damaged during your short stay here, we will consider this an act of war!!! We praise our God Arthur (Guinness) and we will strike down on you with great vengeance and furious anger if you attempt to destroy our drinking patterns during a time of crisis!
On a final note, remember these and you should be fine:
1. "Offies" close at ten;
2. Don't leave the immersion on;
3. PM me for Bono's address;
4. Don't bomb shit when the Toy Show is on;
5. Start with Leitrim;
6. If you're looking for virgins you won't find any on Harcourt Street;
7. Get a Tesco clubcard. Trust me;
8. If you want to blow up a stadium, go to Dalymount please;
9. Go to a water protest, they don't judge you for where you're from, just if you pay or not;
10. Finally, if asked for change, eyes down and keep fucking walking!
So ISIS it's good to meet you. Do yourself a favour and us - stay where you are. You don't want to come here, we're not bothered with the issues you have. But if you do, we will beat the shit out of all of you using mammies wooden spoon, Kilkenny hurlers and the bouncers from the copper faced Jack's.
Finchie and the rest of Ireland
EDIT: Offaly, Offaly too!
Mr. Finchie Cova;
Republished entirely from The Irish MIRROR ;